Children and their hopes

When I was a child, I told everyone that my goal in life was to be a mom. I wanted to have lots of kids, raise them on a farm where there was tons of room to play.  I wanted to have horses and teach them to ride.  I wanted a husband who was not only a great partner in life, but an amazing father, but hot and knew how to dance and sing. Yes, those were my requirements.

 

Today, Liliann came into the bedroom as Ryan and I were watching CSI. She had two of her baby dolls in her arms, with her pretend diaper bag and both of the babies in matching outfits. She wanted me to notice that they had on matching dresses. I asked her, do you want 2 babies like that at a time?  She said yep, when I get to be a grownup I am going to grow babies in my belly and have two.  But then she took it back and said, no I just want pretend babies.  I about died!  Yep, two real babies at the same time is hard work.  She said she liked pretend babies better.

 

I actually looked at Ryan and said we are going to have pretend babies as grandchildren! LOL He laughed and said yea sure.  I just had to chuckle that at 26, I was actually thinking about becoming a grandmother.  What in the world is wrong with me!?  But we got a good laugh out of the deal.

 

Then later we were talking to Lili about preschool.  Ryan asked her if she was sad that she didn't have preschool. She looked at him and with a very definate shake of the head said no.  I like staying home she claimed.  I told Ryan, she is going to be just like you. Goes to school because she has to. Damon on the other hand, loves to go to school and is totally bummed when they don't have school. He loves school and enjoys everything about it. From lunch to recess, from art to music. He just loves it!! I wish I could secretly watch him all day. See how he interacts with the teacher and his classmates. Watch as he raises his hand to answer questions and watch as he enjoys lunch with his friends. See who he plays with at recess and what activities he likes to do in art.  I want him to grasp this liking of school and hopefully he carries it with him clear up through college.

 

I loved school. Always did.  But I became lazy because the people I hung out with were not good in school. Some where, but not all.  So instead of busting my butt and proving myself. I did what was required and stayed "cool" with my friends. I got great grades. And honestly only did really crappy on purpose. Like gym.  I failed it. Why you ask, its just gym?  I didn't go. Not once. I hated gym. I wanted to be in music.  I hated the PE teacher. Thought the games were crap and so I didn't go. I went to the band room instead and worked on independent music theory.

Ryan on the other hand went to school only because it was mandatory. He didn't hate it, but it bored him. He would much rather work than go to school. 

 

I missed it so much I went back! LOL I am currently enrolled in college and love that I get to use my brain again. Although there are days where I just look at the screen and groan cause I have to try and get through another essay or stupid quiz.  But I know that I need to get through this so I can have my degree in accounting. I want to be able to move up instead of just sitting here. I don't want to be stuck in a crap job for 20 years doing the same thing as when I first started. I want to move up and better myself and have better opportunities for my family. I want to be able to put my kids through college if they want to go. I want to make sure they can go out for sports or band and not have to worry about every single event being a financial issue.

 

And this week made those dreams much more of a reality.  On Wednesday, I had an interview at a business located right in the town I live in. I have been trying since 2002 to get on some place in town so I wouldn't have to drive. It is now 2010. Eight years it took.  But I finally have a job in town. I had the interview and an hour, AN HOUR later they called me and let me know they chose me!!! I was freaking so excited!!!

 

Sadly, I have to put in notice here where I am at currently.  I really hate having to tell people that I don't want to be here anymore. I hate knowing that because I am leaving, other people's schedules are going to be completely out of whack. I hate feeling guilty that I am causing issues for other people. But honestly, I have to think of not only my family, but myself as well. I need to make sure that I don't pass on this opportunity because it means a huge change for the family. I will be home every single night with my husband and kids. I will get to see every single one of their events at school and any sports they will play. I missed every single tball game last summer. It was my son's first year and I was heartbroken that I couldn't take just one night off to watch him play. But because of my hours, its hard to get replaced when I need the time off.  For example, let's look at earlier this week. On Friday I had asked off for Tuesday night, knowing I had my interview on Wednesday morning. I didn't want to get home between 2-3am and have to be up for the kids to go to school at 730 and then head to my interview looking like crap. Well they got pissy about not giving them enough time notice. That kind of crap irritates the piss out of me because I didn't know 2 weeks ahead of time that this was going to happen. Things come up.  And just like right now.  Someone who doesn't even work in this department, tries to do my job for me, because he is bored and has nothing else better to do.  While the help should be appreciated, it isn't. I am bored out of my mind (hence the long blog post) and other people beat me to my own job. I mean COME FREAKING ON!  And I can't say anything to anyone because he is the "pet" of the supervisor's up here in this office and his daddy has worked here 20 years.

 

Anyways...I just get so frustrated with small things like that. Even though I know the grass is not greener on the other side as well. There are going to be things at the new job that will irritate me. But I know that this is something I can do and work my way up out of. I know that I can make this a career.  I honestly thought that this job I have right now was going to be the career of my life. But because of the drive and the hours, I knew that at somepoint it was going to come to an end.  I thought it would be a few years out. Only because I never thought I would get an opportunity like I got this week this soon. I really thought it would be after I got my degree that I would finally land a job in my town.

 

So that goes to show ya...never stop hoping. Never give up. Know that sometimes, positive things do happen if you want them to. You just have to be patient and know that things will happen when they are supposed to.

monday

Today is Monday, February 1st. Wow how things have changed in a year.  Last year at this time, I was so.....lost but yet knowing where I wanted to be.  I knew that I had to overcome the codependency issues I was having and I knew that I wanted to strength my marriage and my family by growing myself into a better person.

 

I am now a full time college student working on my degree. I have a full time job with amazing benefits, including tuition reimbursement that helps pay for the degree.  Ryan and I have been communicating 10x more than we ever have in our marriage and I am thankful for that.  I am still unstable. I still need help. But I know now that turning my back on my problems will get me no where. I need to stand tall and fight back against the power.

 

One of my resolutions I set at the beginning of the year was to get myself healthy and lose weight.  I can hear you saying, but everyone says that.  Well you're right. Everyone does set goals like that at the beginning of the year.  I set that same goal last year.  At one point I was losing weight, but after the depression sank in, I didn't go anywhere with that goal.  And so this year I am getting ready to surpass that goal.  I have been chosen to represent our town in a 6 person Extreme Weightloss Competition that starts this Thursday. I go for my meeting on Thursday and get weighed in and do all the measurements and such. I am extremely excited about this and can't wait to start kicking some butt and looking great and FEELING great. I have been so tired and run down over the last 2 months that I need energy, I need something like this to get me going. And to be chosen is such an honor!! I get a free pass to all the classes going on down at the rec center and it's all followed on the radio. I will post the website so you guys can follow my journey and see how well I do!!!

 

Well, better do an update on everyone since it is a new year and a new month.

 

Damon is doing amazing in school. He loves to go and has hated that they have missed so much school this year due to weather. First it was blizzards and then ice storms and then fog and then more blizzard and then more ice.  Iowa has been crazy this year for winter weather.  He had a great 6th birthday, enjoying bowling with five of his friends from school.  He has been enjoying all the gifts from Christmas, especially the Wii they got.  He is learning to read and struggling with tying his shoes.  He does really well with numbers and also with art.  He struggles with leadership skills, which I had to chuckle about because I believe in my kindergarten book it talks about my issues with being a leader and being "bossy" I think is the exact word to describe me.  Damon takes after me a lot!  Especially when it comes to school. Lili takes after her dad. She goes because she has to, enjoys her time and then comes home.  He is getting very excited for spring to come so he can head outside and play again.

 

Liliann is growing up so fast.  A year ago you couldn't understand half of what was coming out of her mouth. Now, after speech therapy sessions, her speech is getting so much better and she takes the time to say the words instead of just rushing through what she wants to say. She has grown so tall and beautiful in just a year. She is going to be a rebel though that one. She is very tough, knows what she wants and when she wants it. She has to be in charge...sadly, she gets that from me as well. The feeling of always having to be in control.  Hopefully she learns to harness that power and use it in a positive way instead of letting it be something that holds her back in life.

 

Ryan is still at Gomaco on the loading dock.  He is very ready for spring so he can ride again.

 

That is pretty much it on the update front. 

 

I AM BACK!

I AM BACK!!!!

After a while of taking some time off due to personal healing...I am back!!!!!! And super excited about it too! I will start posting again on Monday, taking the weekend off from the computer except for homework.

Why Blog?

Why the blog?

 

 

Some people have asked me why I blog. Sometimes I tell them just because I feel like it.  But when they ask me why I don't just journal where it stays private, I don't ever have a response.   Honestly, I think it is laziness. I don't like to write. I can type mega fast so I can do a blog entry in less than 10 minutes sometimes and not have to work my hands all that much. I can blog from the road, blog from work. I don't have to restrain myself from just journaling. I can talk on many subjects and touch the minds of others.

 

 

I had to resetup the blog because of events that led to a bit of drama. I worked on that blog for almost a year. I saved all of it of course and plan on putting it all together into a sort of journal/diary to save for the kids to read when they are older and I am gone. I want them to know me, not just as their mother, but as a person. Someone who not only cared about what they ate, when they took a bath or how they did on their homework. I want them to see me with a soul and baring it to the world, unafraid and ready to take on whatever comes my way.

 

 

I have made sure that up until this point, they are leading lives different than what mine was.  And I don't do that because I am ashamed of my past, the past is what made me into the person I am today. But I do that because every parent wants better for their children.  I hope I never have to come home to a crying child because someone at school made fun of them for not having name brand clothes or not being able to go to something because there wasn't money to do so. I want to give my children the world. I want to teach them about life and love, I want their education to not be just school related, I want them to learn about nature, religions, people, life in general. A school can only teach a child lessons put into a book.  It takes someone to care to teach things about life. I hope to be the type of mother who can be trusted and not feared. I want my kids to come to me about things, I don't want them to run to someone else. I want them to ask me questions not be scared of how I will answer. I want them to trust me and respect me, but I also want to be able to trust and respect them.

 

So blogging is my way of showing my children, the  past, but today.  I want them to be able to read these and remember me. The way I ramble, the way I talk about one subject and move onto something so different in just 2 sentences and the way I thought. I want them to read this after I am gone and be able to hear my voice speaking the words.  My children are my love.  I blog for them. 

 

But I also blog for me. When I was  younger I kept a diary. Though with three other siblings and two protective parents, I am sure that it was read daily by someone other than me.  I love to write and recording the things that I think, help  my mind clear. Its almost a mini therapy session without the costly couch. So by blogging I am able to freely think, show the world the inside of my head without feeling like I am venting on any one person in particular.  And if people follow, I shall continue to write. If nobody follows, I shall continue to write. For I don't write for them. I don't write for the audience.  I write for me.

Handing you Life

Life hands you things that you think you can't handle. But as I sit here and ponder, if we work past the situation handed to us, doesn't that make us stronger?  What life would you rather live, the one where you free ride it all the way through, or the one where you prove to yourself and others around you how strong you are.  Personally, I used to think that a free ride through life would be great. Just going at my own pace, no structure or rules.  But after the last few years of my life, I think that the road less traveled is the way I will go.

 

So when something is thrown at me, I know that I can take what is given to me and make it into something that I can not only handle, but come out on top.  Sometimes things won't be perfect, but nothing in life is exactly "perfect".

 

When you are handed something you think you can't handle, step back and think about it. Why can't you handle it? Does your mind automatically go into the mode that you aren't strong enough to handle it?  You may have been handed every thing you think possible, but there is always something worse that could happen. Be grateful for what you do have. Don't just sit back and let life pass you by without a fight.

 

Most of the time, the situations that are thrown our way, are the situations that we create, whether or not you think you do.  And not everything, obviously if you are dealt with an illness, you didn't create the illness, it just happened. Unless you are a smoker and you get lung cancer or something like that, but otherwise with illness, you can't blame yourself. Stuff happens like that.

 

But in my case, I created my own situation. I knew the consequences and at the time, didn't think beyond my actions. Which for me, is totally out of character, because normally I am the one overthinking the situation. But for once, I acted immaturely and for that I am currently paying. I put everything on the line and lost so much in such a short period of time.

 

Instead of retreating, closing the doors and hiding within, this time, I stood up, accepted the consequences and I am now trying to heal and mend those who I hurt.   Too many times in my life I have retreated inside myself, making excuses and hiding behind lies. But this time I refuse to do that. This time I am a different person. I will not go back to that person I was a year ago.  I didn't like that person then and I really hate who I was now.  But I can't change the past, nobody can.    I can't change what I did and I can't fix the problems I had.  But what I am going to do is be there for the person I hurt the most, try and take time to heal myself and most importantly never stop letting my children have access to their mother.

 

Christmas is upon us. Take the time to release the demons. Let go of everything over the next few weeks so that when New Years Day is here, you can literally start fresh. Don't worry about what you can't fix, you aren't going to be able to fix everything. You may not like the consequences that come with your demons coming out, but sooner or later they will escape.  And it will be a lot easier to deal with everything now, then have it slam into you while you are living life to the fullest. You never know what you can lose until it is already gone.

 

Life is just that. Life.  You can take the easy road, lay flat and never have anything come of your life. Or you can take the road less traveled, have stories to tell along the way and learn things from those you never expected to teach.  I think I will stick with the second choice.

Celebrating the season part one

Celebrating the season.....

 

 

Away in a manger..............

 

 

God rest ye merry gentlemen...............

 

 

 

Silent Night, Holy Night.........

 

 

Christmas is almost here. My mixed feelings on this holiday make it one of the toughest holidays to celebrate in a way.  Growing up as a strong Catholic,  Christmas was always something special. We went to church, did all the stuff that goes along with being a Catholic at Christmas time, including the candles and all of that. I remember standing up with my class choir singing some of the above songs.

 

But as an adult I sit and wonder......what really happened?  Many people have said that Jesus was not even born at this time of year and have proof that shows the truth.  I know that people make think I am a follower when I say that I believe them. But there are many things that point the way to the truth.  So why is it such a big deal in regards to his birth being celebrated? His birth isn't even in the Bible!  Something as important as the virgin birth isn't even located in the bible. WHY?

 

The answer really is simple. Many can't understand....they believe what they have always been told and they don't question those answers.  But I believe what happened was that Christianity was becoming the new growing religion. People were becoming followers by the hundreds. They were flocking to the one they called Christ. Hearing stories of his healings and his preaching.  I think rulers at the time seen a political step that would change the world forever.   I believe that at the time, the leaders did setup the holidays of the Christian church to sync with the old religious paths of those living in the regions they were taking over.  Spring Equinox and Eostoer became Easter. Samhain became All Saint's Day.  Yule/Winter Solstice became Christmas.   This made transforming those who were practicing with the ways of the Earth to easily transition over to Christianity without really changing many things. The times of the year stayed the same, and some of the practices even came with it.  Yule log is not a Christian item that came with Christmas. A yule log came with Yule. I mean duh... how can you get more plain than that? 

 

Most traditions of any major Christian holiday was some how passed down from other religions. They added in their story of Christ and made it their celebration. 

So for me celebrating Christmas turned from a religious holiday to a commercial celebration. We buy the tree and decorate the hosue. I send xmas cards and enjoy christmas music.  I bake lots of goodies for friends and family. We have multiple gift giving celebrations where we eat lots of yummy food and enjoy family. We tell the kids about Santa and let them play in the fantasy of that.  But we don't bring up the birth of Christ. We don't celebrate him at all in our house. We are not Christian. I will not explain any of this until the children are a bit older. I do not believe in shoving religion down children at a young age. I believe at 4 and 6 their minds are not developed enough to understand faith and religion.  In a few years when their friends at school start going to church and talking about it, then we will sit and talk about our religious choices and what the kids want to do. If they chose to attend a church service or class with a friend, I will allow it so he can learn. But I will not stand by and watch them change my son by sending him messages that he can be "saved".  There is no such thing as saving someone. You can change their mind, you can help them through tough times. You can save a person from destroying their life, and maybe that is what people think when they use that term. Maybe they are in a dark place unsure of what to do and they are brought to faith and religion

 

First Snowstorm of the Year

The first snowstorm of the season has hit.  It has the house on lockdown pretty much. Damon and Lili are home from school. I am home from work.  The wind is blowing like crazy! The snow is pouring out of the sky. Drifts are feet high against some buildings.

 

I am happy to say we are all safe.  I tried to head to work, but failed. So Ryan had to come get me. The kids were excited to have mom home. We had chicken noodle soup for supper with grilled cheese sandwiches. I made a pan of cheesecake brownies for them to snack on. I enjoyed a cup of hot cocoa after the kids went to bed. We watched the movie with Ben Stiller and the Smithsonian Museum. It was a good movie. All four of us were laying in our king sized bed enjoying the movie and staying warm.  Later in the evening they cancelled school so I knew the kids could sleep in.

 

So this morning we all slept in and then we got up and had eggs and toast for breakfast. Then all hell broke loose and I remember why I love having my children go to school. They fought over EVERYTHING!  We started playing PS3 and Damon got mad cause Lili doesn't know how to play and he screams at her and then hits her. So we shut it off and he sat in time out.  Lili dumped her moon sand she had gotten as a gift all over the dining room floor..not once but twice. And ground it in the rug because she was walking around in her boots.  But they both ate a nice lunch of mac and cheese and chicken strips and were good the rest of the day. Lili even took a nice long nap.  I was able to get some laundry done and some dishes.

 

Ryan had to come home and shovel us out. Poor man is beat right now. He said he is ready for bed so the kids are going to bed early so he can get to bed himself.  I made it to work no problem. There were some spots that were touchy, but NOTHING even close to last night.  Hopefully my drive home is okay tonight. I am glad we invested in cell phones cause they have already helped us out big time.

 

I'm glad that we live in a small town, with the comfort of knowing everyone and what not, but Iowa sucks this time of year! I hate driving in this stuff and part of me is ready to get the heck out of the snow range.  Ryan said he if goes anywhere it will be south enough to where there is no snow. I said what Florida? He said sure..I was like uh no, they have hurricanes, not gonna happen. I would be happy in like South Carolina. Warm enough where there isn't blizzards like this, but there can still be snow every few years and that way the kids can still play in the snow. But I know that is just a dream.