May could be the month!

Surrogacy has been a part of my life since July of 2006. I look back and realize we are creeping up on the anniversary of the day surrogacy came into my life. And wow....5 years already I have been in the surrogacy world. It changed my life, it changed who I am today. It has made me a stronger person. It has made me a more open person.

And one year ago next week, will be the anniversary of when my guys and I first started talking. I look back to a few of our first emails and realize how much our relationship has changed. We went from two completely different couples, to very close friends. I love them as if they had been in my life for years.

After two failed transfers, I am scared yet excited for the third. I want this to be the one that works. I don't want to keep trying. I want to make them daddies. Their goals and dreams are on the line. As a surrogate, it is very hard not to think that something is wrong with my body. Though I look back and know that I have never had issues becoming pregnant. When Jan and Doug came and we did the IUI, the doctor asked about using a medication that increased the chances of a pregnancy. We both felt that no was a good answer. They did not want multiples, and I didn't want to carry multiples. Two weeks after the IUI, as I sat listening to the nurse on the phone say that I was pregnant, I knew that my body was fertile and was born to be pregnant.

I never questioned my fertility after the first failed transfer. There was a lot going on and I honestly just felt as though that wasn't the one. I knew every time I peed on a stick it was going to be stark white. No matter how badly I wanted it to have two lines, in my heart I knew I wasn't pregnant. The second transfer was harder to handle. We changed the scenario going from a 5 day transfer to a 3 day transfer. We switched from fresh to frozen. I honestly had every positive feeling in my body throughout the entire time. I felt pregnant. I felt as though it had worked. And when the nurse called me at work and said that there was a beta of just 1, my heart sank. I really honestly felt as though they screwed up. Maybe it was a 10 and the lab tech forgot to type the zero. But after 4 more home pregnancy tests, I knew that it didn't work. Though for a few days, I held onto the hope that maybe it would change. Maybe it was a late bloomer, my body was a lower HcG producer, maybe that was it.  But sadly, AF showed and I knew it was gone.

Never have a felt like more of a failure. Sitting there in the bathroom, knowing that my IF's dreams were going down the drain is such a horrible feeling. I hated the fact that my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to. But after reading and researching IVF a bit more, I came to realize that sometimes, it isn't the carrier's issue. Chemically something is going right. The embryo is failing, not my body.
And after long talks with the RE, my IF's and myself, we all decided to go one more round. This time, new egg donor, back to a fresh transfer and a new start. I feel so good about this time. I am staying positive and I know it will work. I am ready to be pregnant. I see everyone around me who is pregnant, some are ready to deliver and it brings me back to September, our first transfer, and how we would be delivering in just a few months time. Or if January had taken, I would be just a little over 4 months along, and my belly would start to show.

But as the saying goes, everything happens for a reason. I look back and think about September and realize that had it taken, I would be delivering during the most busiest time of the year for my work.  I would be leaving all of my important duties to my coworkers, making them work longer hours, covering in my absence. Or, it makes me feel as though my work would fire me, let me go and get someone else to cover while I was gone. So there are silver linings in even the worse situations. And when I think about January, it would have us delivering in October. October is the month that Kyle was born. While it would be neat to have them share the same month, I want October to stay special. That month belongs to Kyle. So as I look forward to the future, I think positive. I have a really good feeling that May is going to be a great month!!!

I am so lucky to be a surrogate. I am so proud of the beautiful child I brought into the world for a couple that were unable to do so themselves. I look at the many pictures I get and just smile knowing that I brought him life. I do see bits of myself in him, but I don't feel motherly towards him at all. I love Kyle and we will always have a special bond. But he is not my son. He is Jan and Doug's son. He looks so much like his father!!! I just love his smile and his cute hair!!

That dream is what I want to become reality for my IF's. They are such amazing people. They do small things that I never thought possible.  When I was down there the first time, E even carried my purse as it was quite heavy with my camera and traveling stuff while we did some walking in Mexico City. They help me through doors, carry things for me. When we first arrived, they had flowers and huge hugs for us. It was just plain amazing. My heart breaks when I leave, but I know that they think always of us here in Iowa as we do of them.  I honestly could not have gotten more lucky with this match. We have so much in common, we can stay up and talk for hours about, well just about anything. I can't wait until they come to Iowa and get to see how boring it really is! LOL  We always joke about how boring it is here compared to Mexico City. And I can't wait to go back. This time.....it is going to work and close to Father's Day I will get to announce to them that they are going to be daddies!!!!!

Back again

I know it has been awhile since I have blogged. Things kind of took over in my life that were more important, school, work, kids, family and me time. I have missed blogging like crazy. I tried to journal for a while, but I hate writing. I can type much faster, and I can type pretty much anywhere I go. For example, this post I am doing from work! I get bored, have a few minutes and quick punch out a few paragraphs and by the end of the day, I have a full post that I can just put on when I get home. I think this is going to be my daily routine now.

So to catch up on family......

Ryan is doing very well. He has enjoyed a summer and so far, a fall full of amazing days to ride his motorcycle. We have gone on a few rides that have really been fun for the two of us to enjoy together. He has kept himself busy with the kids and with extra work on the side. He loves to be outside and I know this winter is going to drive him nuts if it is as bad as last year. But he has his Netflix movies he can watch this year, so I am sure that will keep him occupied during the long cold months that winter is going to be bringing us.

Damon is now in 1st grade.  He is growing up so fast, it takes me by surprise to really see how much he has grown in the last few months.  We finall got school pictures back and to look back at the growth with his three year preschool and now the 1st grade, he has matured from such a little boy, to such a little man. He reads so well now and can really pick up on things like signs and words on boxes at the grocery store. He is constantly reading and trying to learn as much as he can about everything. He loves to play the Wii and the DS. But he would much rather be outside riding his bike! He will be turning seven in a few months, and it is just amazing how my first born is turning into such a good person.  Damon also has a new journey this year, he is starting Boy Scouts! Well, Cub Scouts really, but it still is boy scouts.  I don't approve of the Boy Scout leaders that say certain people aren't allowed to participate, but I want my son to really understand the joys of a troop, the fun they can have using nature, instead of just sitting around playing games all the time. I want him to use his imagination and really have fun with this. He also is starting wrestling this fall and I can't wait to see how well he does with that. I know he has a lot of energy and I think this is something he could easily do to really harness the energy and use it towards a goal.

Lili is now in kindergarten. She is my diva, my princess and my baby. She has grown so much as well, transforming into such a little girl.  She does so well at school and I am so proud of the person she is becoming. Sure, she can be difficult, but boy is she just like her mother. She is very independent and I am proud of that. I don't want her to be dependent on other people. I want her to stand on her own two feet and know the world is hers for the taking. I want her to be proud to be herself and for the most part, I think she is. She is very attached to her cat, Purrsia. She starts Girl Scouts this year and proudly, I am the leader of her troop!!! I am excited for this journey together with her, even if it only lasts for a few years. She played tball for the first time this past summer, and I can already tell she isn't going to be much of a sports person, like Damon. She likes it, but not near as much as her music and dance. Even though I didn't put her in dance class this year, she still does really well at dancing around the house. Maybe this spring I will enroll her.

And now for me.....

Well, I guess for me nothing really has changed much. I am going to keep a surrogacy blog, and will attach it to this one, but I am not sure how I want to do that yet. The journey is so amazing. I really am helping two people who couldn't be more amazing and perfect for me. As much as it sucked, the first try ended in a negative beta. It has been very difficult to deal with that, but things are getting better. I just want this to work so badly for them....that when things don't go as planned, it has been making it harder and harder to push through, but I keep pushing because I didn't have to struggle to have my children. My children were born naturally, with no medications, and it was all really easy.  I push myself because this is not my dream, I want my guys to be dads. I want to see the look on their faces when they are handed their children for the first time. 

So now that I am back to blogging, I can't wait to really tell my story, really get out how I feel instead of just holding it inside. I miss blogging and hoping that I can do a post every day. This is the first, not the last......