May could be the month!

Surrogacy has been a part of my life since July of 2006. I look back and realize we are creeping up on the anniversary of the day surrogacy came into my life. And wow....5 years already I have been in the surrogacy world. It changed my life, it changed who I am today. It has made me a stronger person. It has made me a more open person.

And one year ago next week, will be the anniversary of when my guys and I first started talking. I look back to a few of our first emails and realize how much our relationship has changed. We went from two completely different couples, to very close friends. I love them as if they had been in my life for years.

After two failed transfers, I am scared yet excited for the third. I want this to be the one that works. I don't want to keep trying. I want to make them daddies. Their goals and dreams are on the line. As a surrogate, it is very hard not to think that something is wrong with my body. Though I look back and know that I have never had issues becoming pregnant. When Jan and Doug came and we did the IUI, the doctor asked about using a medication that increased the chances of a pregnancy. We both felt that no was a good answer. They did not want multiples, and I didn't want to carry multiples. Two weeks after the IUI, as I sat listening to the nurse on the phone say that I was pregnant, I knew that my body was fertile and was born to be pregnant.

I never questioned my fertility after the first failed transfer. There was a lot going on and I honestly just felt as though that wasn't the one. I knew every time I peed on a stick it was going to be stark white. No matter how badly I wanted it to have two lines, in my heart I knew I wasn't pregnant. The second transfer was harder to handle. We changed the scenario going from a 5 day transfer to a 3 day transfer. We switched from fresh to frozen. I honestly had every positive feeling in my body throughout the entire time. I felt pregnant. I felt as though it had worked. And when the nurse called me at work and said that there was a beta of just 1, my heart sank. I really honestly felt as though they screwed up. Maybe it was a 10 and the lab tech forgot to type the zero. But after 4 more home pregnancy tests, I knew that it didn't work. Though for a few days, I held onto the hope that maybe it would change. Maybe it was a late bloomer, my body was a lower HcG producer, maybe that was it.  But sadly, AF showed and I knew it was gone.

Never have a felt like more of a failure. Sitting there in the bathroom, knowing that my IF's dreams were going down the drain is such a horrible feeling. I hated the fact that my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to. But after reading and researching IVF a bit more, I came to realize that sometimes, it isn't the carrier's issue. Chemically something is going right. The embryo is failing, not my body.
And after long talks with the RE, my IF's and myself, we all decided to go one more round. This time, new egg donor, back to a fresh transfer and a new start. I feel so good about this time. I am staying positive and I know it will work. I am ready to be pregnant. I see everyone around me who is pregnant, some are ready to deliver and it brings me back to September, our first transfer, and how we would be delivering in just a few months time. Or if January had taken, I would be just a little over 4 months along, and my belly would start to show.

But as the saying goes, everything happens for a reason. I look back and think about September and realize that had it taken, I would be delivering during the most busiest time of the year for my work.  I would be leaving all of my important duties to my coworkers, making them work longer hours, covering in my absence. Or, it makes me feel as though my work would fire me, let me go and get someone else to cover while I was gone. So there are silver linings in even the worse situations. And when I think about January, it would have us delivering in October. October is the month that Kyle was born. While it would be neat to have them share the same month, I want October to stay special. That month belongs to Kyle. So as I look forward to the future, I think positive. I have a really good feeling that May is going to be a great month!!!

I am so lucky to be a surrogate. I am so proud of the beautiful child I brought into the world for a couple that were unable to do so themselves. I look at the many pictures I get and just smile knowing that I brought him life. I do see bits of myself in him, but I don't feel motherly towards him at all. I love Kyle and we will always have a special bond. But he is not my son. He is Jan and Doug's son. He looks so much like his father!!! I just love his smile and his cute hair!!

That dream is what I want to become reality for my IF's. They are such amazing people. They do small things that I never thought possible.  When I was down there the first time, E even carried my purse as it was quite heavy with my camera and traveling stuff while we did some walking in Mexico City. They help me through doors, carry things for me. When we first arrived, they had flowers and huge hugs for us. It was just plain amazing. My heart breaks when I leave, but I know that they think always of us here in Iowa as we do of them.  I honestly could not have gotten more lucky with this match. We have so much in common, we can stay up and talk for hours about, well just about anything. I can't wait until they come to Iowa and get to see how boring it really is! LOL  We always joke about how boring it is here compared to Mexico City. And I can't wait to go back. This time.....it is going to work and close to Father's Day I will get to announce to them that they are going to be daddies!!!!!